BY JAMES HAMES
Dr. David Swanson wants to help you raise your kids. He’s been doing it as a licensed clinical psychologist at his Encino-based private practice at Swanson, Conti and Associates, and now as an author of “Help My Kid Is Driving Me Crazy; The 17 Ways Kids Manipulate Their Parents And What You Can Do About It.”
He has two Masters degrees and a doctoral degree, of which he said at a recent book signing in Encino Barnes & Noble, taught him 20 percent of what he knows. His three sons taught him the other 80 percent.
David Swanson and his 5-year-old son, Andrew. Photo: James Hames
Briefly speaking to about 50 people, Swanson described the moment in his life that formed the impetus for the book.
A handful of years ago, he was sitting in his home that overlooked a golf course on a beautiful Valley afternoon, a day of warm light and pleasant breeze — and feeling full of fatherly goodness as his son was passing through the room, Swanson reached out to hug his 4-year-old son, who squirmed away. “Daddy, daddy I can’t breath,” Swanson recounts.
“It was the worst day of my life,” he said.
It set him on a years-long, soul-searching path where he investigated his own behaviors, why he was acting that way and how it was causing his kids to react.
“Why was I yelling at him?” he asked himself, and in bringing that tale into the present he clarified: parents yell because their feelings are hurt, they’re exhausted or they feel ineffective — it’s what parents do to get their children to behave in a desired way.
And kids, Swanson said, will do the same.
“Manipulative strategies work,” he said.
Chapters in his book, published by Penguin Books, described the 17 manipulative techniques kids use on their parents, how to identify them, what can be done about it. They are emotional blackmail, punishment, shutting down, irrational logic, negotiation, confrontation and protest, steamrolling (“Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I?”), covert operations, divide and conquer, tactical engagement, creating leverage; playing the victim; forging the friendship; character comparison; casting doubt; glorification; and surprise attack.
Children have five basic motivations that they manipulate, Swanson said — to obtain love, attention and nurturance; for self-preservation; to get a self-prosperous condition; to aid a sense of empowerment; to even the score.
Swanson said kids don’t use every technique, but they learn which ones will be effective on their parents, and they reveal more about the parents than their children. Altering behavior in children is as much about changing behavior in parents, he said.
Surrounded by a couple dozen parents, some coworkers, family members and contributors to his “The Healthy Child” newsletter, Swanson himself served as an object lesson to the effectiveness of the lessons he’s learned and now spreads through his practice, newsletter and now his book.
Early into his presentation at the book store, his youngest son Andrew, age 5, came up to the podium and gave Dad a hug.
For more on Dr. David Swanson www.SwansonContiandAssociates.com
James Hames is a second generation Valley native, working as a writer and editor, photographer and artist, school bus driver and Neighborhood Council boardmember — but what he really wants to do is help you replace your lawn like he’s been doing for friends, family, neighbors and strangers for decades.
About Karen Young
I am fortunate to have read Dr. Swanson’s “Help, My Kid Is Driving Me Crazy” and although I missed this recent book signing I feel as though I have a new friend. What makes this book standout from other self-help parenting books is that it tears down the walls of generation after generation improper parenting. The book has taught me proper parenting skills, ones I wish my own parents were aware of so many years ago. It’s a must for any parent.