The Parenting Coach: The Two Most Important Words in the Language of Parenting

BY GILA BROWN, M.A.

Two and A Half Men is a sitcom in which a newly divorced Alan (played by Jon Cryer), along with his 10 year old son, finds himself having to ‘temporarily’ move in with his brother Charlie (played by Charlie Sheen).  In one episode, a while back, Charlie discovers the power of the words “I understand”.  An otherwise hedonistic bachelor, Charlie comes to find that, when he uses those words, and those words alone, woman eagerly throw themselves at him.  His use of that phrase encourages them to open up to him, assuming that he has a gift for understanding their feelings.  (In truth, Charlie, understands very little about woman, but is more than happy to take advantage of their adoration of him.)

Being understood is a basic need that we all have.  We feel most comfortable with the people who seem to understand us and we are more likely to continue opening up to them than to anyone else.  These are the people who refrain from criticizing and advising, but rather listen intently and without judgment.  You know who I am talking about.  Just as we find comfort in those who fit this description, so do our kids.  When we are able to take on this role for them, their trust in us is strengthened.  When they know that our intent is to understand their feelings, rather than advise and dictate what they should and shouldn’t do, then they are more eager to open up to us.

Becoming your child’s trusted confidant is not a difficult task.  Charlie discovered this with the words “I understand”.  Alternatively, parents can use the words “I see”.  Typically, when our children present us with their story of the day, we respond with our opinions, critiques and analyses.

“Why did you…?”  “Why didn’t you…?”  “That’s great!”  “You really shouldn’t…”  “If you hadn’t… then…”   “Oh, no!”

What if we were to take a different approach?  With a genuine intention to understand you child’s feelings, try responding with the words “I see” or “I understand”.  The longer you can refrain from responding with any judgment, the more information they will be willing to give.  Furthermore, as they continue to explore the experience through sharing, they will almost always resolve any issue on their own.  Through recounting their experience, they will be able to see clearly what they could have done differently and what they might still be able to do to change the outcome or results.

So, regardless of your child’s age, I challenge you to try this.  Hold back your opinions.  Use those 2 simple words.  Use them over and over again.

• “Mom!  Look at my drawing?”  “I see!”
• “Dad- I can’t stand my English teacher!”  “I see.”
• “ Jesse took my paper!”  “I see.”

With each “I see”, you are making space for your child to tell you more.

• “It’s a picture of our house!”  “I see.”
• “She always picks on me!”  “Oh, I see.”
• “She’s always taking my things when I need them.”  “I understand.”

Continue this technique until your child has shared all that they have to share.  They may ask you for advice.  But, more likely, they just need you to hear them out.

© Gila Brown, 2009

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 10 years of teaching experience. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive disciple and effective communication. Visit www.GilaBrown.com to sign up for a free newsletter.

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Now Enrolling!

Parent Workshop Series: Fall 2009

Are you tired of the parenting struggle?  Do you wish your kids were more cooperative? This is going to be an insightful and interactive program where you’ll receive life-changing tools that you can start using immediately to create the relationship you truly want with your kids.

Join a select group of parents for a 6-session workshop series, focusing on positive discipline and effective communication for school-age kids.  In order to maintain the intimacy of the group, class size is very limited.

In this workshop, you will obtain some of the most effective and powerful parenting secrets.

• Stop Yelling- Start Communicating: Get effective communication tools so that your kids will want to listen
• Learn to decode your child’s disruptive behavior, so that you can minimize it
• Get discipline techniques that are effective and productive
• Learn techniques for raising independent, responsible and self-directed children
• Have a safe and supportive community to discuss whatever current issues arise for you

Details:

Storyopolis, 14945 Ventura Bl, Sherman Oaks, CA Cost: $110

7:00-9:00 PM                  (Alternating Tuesdays: Oct. 6, 20, Nov. 3, 17, Dec. 1, 15)

A Wheel of Wellbeing, 1575 Westwood Bl., Los Angeles, CA Cost: $120

10:00 AM-12:00 PM        (Wednesdays: Nov. 4,11, 18, Dec. 2,9,16)

Sign up with a friend and each save 10%!

If you have any questions or are ready to register for the workshops, please contact Gila Brown at GilaBrown@me.com,www.GilaBrown.com or 310.497.7461.

The Parenting Coach: Uncovering a True Love of Learning

BY GILA BROWN, M.A.

When I was 13, I started taking guitar lessons.  Unfortunately, it didn’t take.  After just 2 short months of struggling with fingering and calluses, I had had enough.

I kept that guitar, though, for close to 20 years.  While I couldn’t play a thing, just having it made me feel as though someday, somehow, I just might be able to.  However, a few years ago, I finally parted with it.  I decided that I had lugged it around for far too long and frankly, it was just one more thing to dust.

Last month, for my birthday, I had the sudden urge to learn to play again.  Perhaps it was the carpe diem light bulb that so often flickers on birthdays but, with a borrowed guitar in hand, I set out to become my own rock-star… take 2.

For the past 6 weeks I have been practicing diligently.  I’ve learned some scales and a series of chords.   Somehow just holding the guitar, an instrument I chose and committed myself to learning, gives me a sense of power.  Practicing is no longer a chore.  I look forward to picking up the guitar each day.  I can hear hints of songs behind the scales I’ve been playing over and over and over… admittedly ad  nauseum.  This time, though, it’s mine.  I am not playing for anyone else.  I am not practicing for the sake of a music teacher.  I am playing at my own pace and, more importantly, for no one but me. 

As a teacher who spent years in the classroom, I can’t help but see a greater lesson here.  As parents and teachers, we are forever evaluating our children.  From being able to read to keeping their room in order, we have certain expectations as to how we want them to perform.  We decide what we believe they ought to be doing at every stage of the game.  Curse those pesky standards by which we love to measure everyone.   

However, perhaps we ought to consider the impact of imposing our own timetables on our kids.  For me, learning the guitar as a child was a chore and not at all enjoyable.  Learning later in life, when I felt ready, made process so much easier and, frankly, empowering.  Are we not more likely to love what we’re doing when we do it of our own free will, versus at the requirement set forth by someone else?  What if we were to give our children the space to learn or perform at their own pace?  If we don’t force a 5 year old to clean his room, is it unthinkable that he may at 15 of his own volition?  Just because a child struggles with Algebra in 7^th grade, will there not come a time when it just somehow clicks for him?  We all learn at our own pace.   As they say, you cannot push the river.    The river knows where to flow all by itself and so do our children, if only we will let them. 

Challenge: In what ways can you encourage your child to find his own path and pursue it at his own pace?  What means of assessment and evaluation can you remove in order to foster a genuine passion for a specific activity or subject?

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 10 years of teaching experience. She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive disciple and effective communication. Visit www.GilaBrown.com to sign up for a free newsletter.

 

 

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Now Enrolling!

Parent Workshop Series: Fall 2009

Are you tired of the parenting struggle?  Do you wish your kids were more cooperative? This is going to be an insightful and interactive program where you’ll receive life-changing tools that you can start using immediately to create the relationship you truly want with your kids. 

Join a select group of parents for a 6-session workshop series, focusing on positive discipline and effective communication for school-age kids.  In order to maintain the intimacy of the group, class size is very limited. 

In this workshop, you will obtain some of the most effective and powerful parenting secrets.

• Stop Yelling- Start Communicating: Get effective communication tools so that your kids will want to listen
• Learn to decode your child’s disruptive behavior, so that you can minimize it
• Get discipline techniques that are effective and productive
• Learn techniques for raising independent, responsible and self-directed children
• Have a safe and supportive community to discuss whatever current issues arise for you

Details:

 Storyopolis, 14945 Ventura Bl, Sherman Oaks, CA                               Cost: $110      

                   7:00-9:00 PM                  (Alternating Tuesdays: Oct. 6, 20, Nov. 3, 17, Dec. 1, 15)

A Wheel of Wellbeing, 1575 Westwood Bl., Los Angeles, CA                 Cost: $120                  

10:00 AM-12:00 PM        (Wednesdays: Nov. 4,11, 18, Dec. 2,9,16)

 

Sign up with a friend and each save 10%!

 

If you have any questions or are ready to register for the workshops, please contact Gila Brown at GilaBrown@me.com, www.GilaBrown.com or 310.497.7461.

‘Don’t Smile Until Christmas’: How to Raise Independent & Responsible Children

BY GILA BROWN, M.A.

Many years ago, at the start of my first year of teaching, I was given this advice:  “Don’t smile until Christmas.” Smiling was considered a rookie move and the ‘best’ teachers managed to maintain their poker face for at least a full semester.  The fear was that, should we let on to our kids that we were friendly, easy-going people, they would take advantage and we would lose control of our classes.  Ironically, the teacher’s solution to overcoming that fear was to pass on the fear to the students by way of threats and visits to the principal’s office.

Authoritarian rule, however, is just not my style.  I felt sure that, if I treated my students with respect and compassion, they would reciprocate.  As it turns out, I was partially right.  About half of my students really thrived with that approach.  They felt free to ask questions, work independently, and connect with others (and myself) in a comfortable and authentic way.  Most importantly, they took responsibility for themselves and their learning.  However, the other half of the class did, in fact, “take advantage”.  A more accurate description, however, would be that they simply did not know how to respond in any other way.  So what was the difference?

The students who were given more freedom at home had learned how to make use of it in productive ways.  They were more comfortable with their authentic selves and they trusted their own decision-making.  For them, more freedom meant more room to explore the world around them and become increasingly independent.  For the other group, more freedom meant an opportunity to have power.  These were kids who had been conditioned to behave well only when it was required of them.  When there was no threat of punishment, there was no reason to behave.  This is a direct result of that authoritarian rule by which so many parents and teachers swear. 

The traditional approach of scaring kids into behaving is shortsighted and ineffective.  While the immediate result is that our children appear to be doing well, they are not developing the skills to do well independently.  If we want our children to become responsible, independent, and respectful, we need to model those traits now.  We need to treat them with respect and afford them opportunities to test their own independence.  We all learn to make good decisions by making decisions.  Encourage your children to develop these skills now so that they can hold their own even in the absence of authorities, threats and punishments.

Gila Brown, M.A. is a Child Development Expert and Parent Coach, with over 10 years of teaching experience.  She specializes in parenting school-age children with grace, using principles of attachment parenting, positive disciple and effective communication.  Visit www.GilaBrown.com to sign up for a free newsletter.

 

 

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Now Enrolling! Take the Struggle Out of Parenting- Workshop Series: Special Workshop with Gila Brown

Fall 2009 (October 5 – December 16)

 Are you tired of the parenting struggle?  Do you wish your kids were more cooperative? This is going to be an insightful and interactive program where you’ll receive life-changing tools that you can start using immediately to create the relationship you truly want with your kids. 

Join a select group of parents for a 6-session workshop series, focusing on positive discipline and effective communication for school-age kids.  In order to maintain the intimacy of the group, class size is very limited. 

 In this workshop, you will obtain some of the most effective and powerful parenting secrets.

• Learn to develop and trust your own instincts regarding your children’s development and behavior
• Understand what causes children’s behavior, both positive and negative
• Stop Yelling- Start Communicating: Get effective communication tools so that your kids will want to listen
• Learn to decode your child’s disruptive behavior, so that you can minimize it
• Get discipline techniques that are effective and productive
• Learn techniques for raising independent, responsible and self-directed children
• Have a safe and supportive community to discuss whatever current issues arise for you

 Details:

Where: Classes are being offered in Studio City, CA and in Westwood, CA (specific locations TBA)

When: Alternating Tuesday evenings from 7:00-9:00 PM (6 sessions)

How Much: $110  

All it takes to start getting results is a willingness and a commitment to make some changes.  If you have any questions or are ready to register for the workshops, please contact Gila Brown at (310) 497-7461 or GilaBrown@me.com.   Visit www.GilaBrown.com .