Parenting Sucks: All I Want For the Holidays Is My Retirement Account Intact

Dear Joanne,

This year we have less money to spend on gifts this year for our kids and we don’t want to disappoint them. What can we do?

Hallie

Dear Hallie,

What started out as little trinkets from the Three Wise Men has evolved into budget breaking plasma screens, shiny laptops, and designer clothes, and this trend has got to STOP! And the same holds true for the eight days of Hanukah presents as well. Parents erroneously assume that having what amounts to Toys R Us showroom floor underneath their tree or Menorah is the only way to show their love to their kids. Or, that if they don’t get that one must-have toy that isn’t available anywhere in the continental U.S. except on eBay for quadruple the price, that their children will be traumatized. Or that denying their teen the latest-most tech savvy phone with endless games, unlimited text, and additional rhinestone cover will send them into a spiral of “I hate you!”s (sfx: door slam). The last thing kids need are an endless amount of “things” with the stressed out, fighting parents that go along with it who can’t afford to pay their bills come the new year.

Remember, the holidays aren’t about what you can buy at the mall. They’re about spending time with those you love, giving to the less fortunate, and eating way too many scrumptious goodies. So, instead of buying gifts you can’t afford, buy ones you can and focus your efforts on making this holiday memorable by actually making wonderful memories. Build a gingerbread house together and if it falls down, who cares because it’ll taste just as good. Volunteer at a local shelter to help others and show your kids they should be grateful for what they have and not upset for what they have not. Gather up some neighbors, go caroling and meet back at your place for hot chocolate. And don’t forget to play a rousing game of Dreidel as a family (it’s basically gambling for chocolate gelt!). I guarantee that in the years to come, your children will forget what presents they opened this month and will remember moments like these instead.

Happy Holidays!

Joanne Kimes is the author of the bestselling “Sucks” series as well as “The Stay-at-Home Martyr.” Visit her at www.sucksandthecity.com Her latest tome, “Divorce Sucks,” with Mary Jo Eustace, the woman whose husband left her for Tori Spelling, has been making waves in the press and the book signing circuit.

Email her questions: jkimes@sbcglobal.net

Parenting Sucks: How to Deal with Visitors after Having a Baby

BY JOANNE KIMES

Dear Joanne,

I’m going to deliver my second child in a few weeks and I’m already worried about how to deal with the crowds of friends and family who want to see the new baby. When my first was born, I was overwhelmed and exhausted and that last thing I wanted to do was entertain guests. What can I do to deal with all the stress?

— Vicki

Dear Vicky,

Nothing fills a home with visitors more than having a baby. Every friend, family member, co-worker and neighbor are desperate to come over and take a peek at the new arrival.  It’s as if you’ve given birth to David Beckham and swaddled him up in a cashmere blankie. It seems these visitors want to do more than just take a peak. They want to hold your newborn with their germy hands. They want to tell you every gory detail of their own birthing story. And worst of all, they want to be fed.  Here you are fresh from the hospital with stitches on your nether region and fearing your first post partum poop, and you have assemble a gosh darn hors d’oeuvre tray!  What’s a new mom to do? Here are some ideas:

1. Before the baby comes, get a camera for your computer and download Skype at skype.com (newer Apple computers have a camera built in).  Then you can show your baby to everyone with computer access and a camera while sitting on your donut pillow.
2. If someone wants to visit, don’t just tell them when to come over, tell them what time to leave as well. Mention that they can only stay a half hour because you have a pediatrician’s appointment (they don’t need to know the appointment is next week).
3. Don’t answer your phone!! The moment you do, it’s only a hop, skip and a jump from having guests at your doorstep.
4. Put a sign on your door that says, “Please don’t ring the bell.  Baby and mommy are sleeping.”  You’ll be utterly amazed how many people will just drop by and ring your doorbell without being invited.
5. The only exception to having people over is if they offer to bring food! I would have had Bin Laden come over if he’d have brought a bucket of chicken with him.

Joanne Kimes is the author of the bestselling “Sucks” series as well as “The Stay-at-Home Martyr.” Visit her at www.sucksandthecity.com Her latest tome, “Divorce Sucks,” with Mary Jo Eustace, the woman whose husband left her for Tori Spelling, has been making waves in the press and the book signing circuit.

Email her questions: jkimes@sbcglobal.net