Parenting Sucks: All I Want For the Holidays Is My Retirement Account Intact

Dear Joanne,

This year we have less money to spend on gifts this year for our kids and we don’t want to disappoint them. What can we do?

Hallie

Dear Hallie,

What started out as little trinkets from the Three Wise Men has evolved into budget breaking plasma screens, shiny laptops, and designer clothes, and this trend has got to STOP! And the same holds true for the eight days of Hanukah presents as well. Parents erroneously assume that having what amounts to Toys R Us showroom floor underneath their tree or Menorah is the only way to show their love to their kids. Or, that if they don’t get that one must-have toy that isn’t available anywhere in the continental U.S. except on eBay for quadruple the price, that their children will be traumatized. Or that denying their teen the latest-most tech savvy phone with endless games, unlimited text, and additional rhinestone cover will send them into a spiral of “I hate you!”s (sfx: door slam). The last thing kids need are an endless amount of “things” with the stressed out, fighting parents that go along with it who can’t afford to pay their bills come the new year.

Remember, the holidays aren’t about what you can buy at the mall. They’re about spending time with those you love, giving to the less fortunate, and eating way too many scrumptious goodies. So, instead of buying gifts you can’t afford, buy ones you can and focus your efforts on making this holiday memorable by actually making wonderful memories. Build a gingerbread house together and if it falls down, who cares because it’ll taste just as good. Volunteer at a local shelter to help others and show your kids they should be grateful for what they have and not upset for what they have not. Gather up some neighbors, go caroling and meet back at your place for hot chocolate. And don’t forget to play a rousing game of Dreidel as a family (it’s basically gambling for chocolate gelt!). I guarantee that in the years to come, your children will forget what presents they opened this month and will remember moments like these instead.

Happy Holidays!

Joanne Kimes is the author of the bestselling “Sucks” series as well as “The Stay-at-Home Martyr.” Visit her at www.sucksandthecity.com Her latest tome, “Divorce Sucks,” with Mary Jo Eustace, the woman whose husband left her for Tori Spelling, has been making waves in the press and the book signing circuit.

Email her questions: jkimes@sbcglobal.net

Parenting Sucks: How to Deal with Visitors after Having a Baby

BY JOANNE KIMES

Dear Joanne,

I’m going to deliver my second child in a few weeks and I’m already worried about how to deal with the crowds of friends and family who want to see the new baby. When my first was born, I was overwhelmed and exhausted and that last thing I wanted to do was entertain guests. What can I do to deal with all the stress?

— Vicki

Dear Vicky,

Nothing fills a home with visitors more than having a baby. Every friend, family member, co-worker and neighbor are desperate to come over and take a peek at the new arrival.  It’s as if you’ve given birth to David Beckham and swaddled him up in a cashmere blankie. It seems these visitors want to do more than just take a peak. They want to hold your newborn with their germy hands. They want to tell you every gory detail of their own birthing story. And worst of all, they want to be fed.  Here you are fresh from the hospital with stitches on your nether region and fearing your first post partum poop, and you have assemble a gosh darn hors d’oeuvre tray!  What’s a new mom to do? Here are some ideas:

1. Before the baby comes, get a camera for your computer and download Skype at skype.com (newer Apple computers have a camera built in).  Then you can show your baby to everyone with computer access and a camera while sitting on your donut pillow.
2. If someone wants to visit, don’t just tell them when to come over, tell them what time to leave as well. Mention that they can only stay a half hour because you have a pediatrician’s appointment (they don’t need to know the appointment is next week).
3. Don’t answer your phone!! The moment you do, it’s only a hop, skip and a jump from having guests at your doorstep.
4. Put a sign on your door that says, “Please don’t ring the bell.  Baby and mommy are sleeping.”  You’ll be utterly amazed how many people will just drop by and ring your doorbell without being invited.
5. The only exception to having people over is if they offer to bring food! I would have had Bin Laden come over if he’d have brought a bucket of chicken with him.

Joanne Kimes is the author of the bestselling “Sucks” series as well as “The Stay-at-Home Martyr.” Visit her at www.sucksandthecity.com Her latest tome, “Divorce Sucks,” with Mary Jo Eustace, the woman whose husband left her for Tori Spelling, has been making waves in the press and the book signing circuit.

Email her questions: jkimes@sbcglobal.net

Parenting Sucks: Taming homework struggles

BY JOANNE KIMES

Dear Joanne,

Now that school is back in full gear, we’re back to having homework struggles. Both of my kids are in elementary school and if it’s this bad now, I can only imagine what’s in store for me down the road as they get older.  How can I get them to do their homework without battles or without me just caving and giving them the answers?

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Let’s face it. Homework is hell. Any relaxation that took place while your kids were in school is instantly sucked dry when homework begins. Instantly the battle cries start: “I can’t do this!” “The teacher never taught me this!” “Why do they have to give us stupid homework anyway?” What kids don’t realize is that parents hate homework as much as they do…maybe even more. So here are some ideas to take the “work” out of homework:

• Let your kids take a break before starting. After school, fix them a snack (and not one that’s high in sugar so they’ll have a hard time sitting still), let them watch TV or play on the computer. These types of calming techniques are like a gin and tonic for the playground crowd.
• Next, pick a fun place to do homework. I know the all and powerful “they” say to have kids do homework in a designated spot everyday, but I disagree. Mix things up and have some fun. If they want to, let them do their homework inside the closet, in the bathtub, or perhaps under the sheets with a flashlight. As long as they get it done, what does it really matter?
• If they have a problem, don’t come to their aid so quickly. Set an egg timer and let them try to do it themselves for a minute or two.  Letting them work the problems out themselves gives them the pride and confidence they need to help them succeed.  If they do need your help, don’t just give them the answer. As the saying sort of goes, “Give a kid a homework problem he gets an A for a day. Teach him how to do it himself, he gets an A for a lifetime.” This also goes for projects. I get so upset when parents help their kids with their school projects. You’re not doing your kids any favors and you’re certainly not pulling the wool over the teacher’s eyes. You think she actually believes your second grader can miter a 45 degree angle on his homemade wooden diorama box?
• When explaining a concept, make it fun. For math, use raisins or chocolate chips to help them grasp concepts (which they can eat if they get the problems right) or make the lesson into a game. For instance, when memorizing times tables, be the emcee and have your kid take one step forward when he solves a problem and one step back when he doesn’t. Give him a reward when he reaches the finish line.

Every parent and kid knows that homework is the boil on the butt of education. But if you try to make it fun and help your kids instead of solve their problems, they’ll learn the more important lesson of gaining confidence and self pride.

Joanne Kimes is the author of the bestselling “Sucks” series as well as “The Stay-at-Home Martyr.”  Visit her at www.sucksandthecity.com

Email her questions:   jkimes@sbcglobal.net

Parenting Sucks: Over Scheduling Our Children

BY JOANNE KIMES

Dear Joanne,

Now that school’s back in full swing, it’s a madhouse at our house. Between school, after school lessons, sports, and dealing with homework, we can’t find time to even sit down together as a family for dinner. Any suggestions on how to manage my time better?

Lynn

Dear Lynn,

 Yes I do have a suggestion, Lynn, but it has nothing to do with managing your time. It has to do with simplifying your life.  Since there are only so many hours in a given day, you have to weed out some of the extra things that overwhelm it. Since school and homework are the only given (as much as your kid may protest), ipso-facto transitive property, you have to get rid of some or all of the after school stuff.

I’m not saying to quit after school activities altogether, but I do suggest that you ease into them. If, after a month of school, your kid can handle the homework load, put one back. If that works out, add another. But if, and only if, you and your child’s stress level can handle it. Remember, there are always weekends for fun activities and your child can get exercise by playing at the park or going on a bike ride like kids used to do back in the old days before the invention of gourmet cooking for tweens and junior gymnasiums. 

These days, our lives, and the lives of our children, are so overscheduled, we don’t have time to smell the roses (or eat a homemade dinner together around the dinner table). Believe me, your child can live without karate and piano lessons. And he can live without being carting around town between his classes, and his sibling’s classes, all afternoon. In fact, your whole family can benefit from an easier, more manageable life, without the constant schlepping and rushing around town.

Also, during these difficult economic times, cutting out classes can save a heck of a lot of money. I know we as parents never want to deny our children anything, but it’s important to put things in perspective. Going into debt, or not contributing to our retirement accounts or our children’s collage fund is far more damaging than denying them cotillion class and modern dance.

So, before you sign up your child for yet another month of baseball, drums, acting and Mandarin Chinese classes, stop and think. If going to those places (or paying for them) isn’t in the best interest of the family, wait a bit.  Maybe next month or next semester things will be easier. Like TIVO and Botox, over scheduling our children’s lives is a product of our times, so let’s simplify our lives, live with less stress, and enjoy life, and those home made dinners, more!

Joanne Kimes is the author of the bestselling “Sucks” series as well as “The Stay-at-Home Martyr.” Visit her at www.sucksandthecity.com

Email her questions:   jkimes@sbcglobal.net